As Christina and
Edward sit in their family room drinking coffee and eating bagels enjoying the
quiet of the early morning hour. This is their private time to talk and make plans
for the day ahead. Even though they have weekly family meetings, they make sure
to double check the schedule for the day with their morning time together.
As Christina took a
bite from her bagel, she said, “We have about an hour of quiet time before the
gang wakes up.”
“Okay. Francine and
Jackson are taking the bus to school but Francine has basketball practice
afterward until 4:30. Jackson is taking the bus home but he has hockey practice
at 4:00. Got it covered with Terry’s Dad. I’m pickin’ up about 6:00.”
“I’m takin’ your
Dad to Adult Day Care and will pick him up at 5:00. I have to get him there before
time because I have an early morning meeting. I’ll run by the school and pick
up Francine at 4:30 and be able to get Art by 5:00.”
Taking a sip of coffee,
Edward said, “I’ll get Jackson from hockey on my home. My mom’s set for today
so she can make dinner.”
“I have the meat in
the refrigerator and everything else on the counter for her.”
With a smile on his
face, Edward said, “We’re done just in time because I hear the refrigerator
door opening. Has to be Jackson!”
In 1981 Dorothy Miller, a social worker, coined the term sandwich generation for people middle
age who provide support to younger and older family members yet do not receive reciprocal
support in exchange. They are sandwiched between two generations. The sandwich
generation is a group of adults usually ranging in age from 40 – 59 that care
for their aging parents along with dependent children. In some cases they are
making plans for retirement, considering the cost for college or vocational
school, and assisting with their parent’s needs.
The U.S. Census Bureau defines a multigenerational household
as a living arrangement in where three or more generations share a housing unit.
They are usually grandparents, parents, and children living in the same home.
Since the 1990’s there has actually been an increase in multigenerational
living and the trend is expected to continue in that direction. In some
countries it is customary. Some do it out of necessity; others make the
decision out of choice. Whatever the reason, many families find benefits to
this lifestyle. According to Pew Research, 22% Hispanics, 23% blacks, 25% Asians,
and 13 % whites live in multigenerational households.
Laura and Paul Paltyl, both in their mid-40’s and members of
the sandwich generation, live the life of a multigenerational household. With
six children, their home becomes crowded at times. However in 2003, the couple
invited Laura’s parents to live with them when her mother became ill with
congestive heart failure and stroke. Then a few years later Paul’s father who developed
Alzheimer’s disease, moved in with the family.
To accommodate Laura’s parents, the couple added a 1,500
square-foot suite. The addition included - kitchen, handicapped bathroom,
bedroom, office, family room, screen porch, and workshop. They contributed to
the cost for the home modification when they sold their home. This was an ideal
situation. The parents had their independence and privacy but were still close
by.
Co-residency can
actually enhance the lives of everyone in the family by keeping lines of
communication open. It can promote a sense of well-being, provide a feeling of
belonging, assist teenagers moving into adult years, and ease up household
tasks.
- Financial – The cost of living,
especially housing, makes it cost effective for families to move in together.
Child or elder care costs can be reduced or eliminated. A youth may need to pay
off student loans, an elder might have used up most of his savings, and it will
help the sandwich generation member because bills are under the same roof.
- Situational – Unemployment, divorce, or
military deployment of a spouse may necessitate moving in with parents or children.
Widows or widowers may seek companionship. Young parents could have demanding
jobs that require long hours and travel.
- Cultural – In certain cultures, multiple
generational housing is a common and natural way of life. They feel it is a way
to stay connected, share their heritage, and holidays. They also believe it is
beneficial for youth to learn from their elders.
Suggestions for
attaining success:
- Keep lines of communication open - Discuss
in advance the expectations from everyone involved prior to moving in. Let them
know how important it is to have ongoing communications even when there are
disagreements.
- Set-up a written household agreement of
expectations so that each person understands the complexity of the
multigenerational lifestyle. Put as much on the table prior to each person
moving in so that it is a smooth transition. Refer to - Coordinate
expenditures- regarding someone not able to sign.
- Establish guidelines for finances – Prior
to any member moving into the household, set up their household financial
contribution. If you let people know this upfront along with other expectations
and responsibilities, then they can decide if they want to move in.
- Coordinate expenditures by creating individual and shared household budgets.
Establish who will be responsible for each bill and how it will be paid. Will
there be a family checking account where all bills are paid? Does one person
pay the bills and everyone else is responsible for either giving that person
the money or depositing the funds into the family checking account? Families
can usually conquer most disagreements except money issues! Money often times
destroys family relationships. Make sure everyone approves – it is in writing –
and each party signs the agreement. If you have a loved one who will be
contributing but cannot sign because of medical conditions or dementia, discuss
how to handle this situation. If another member is Power of Attorney, have that
person sign for them. If that is not the case, come to a family agreement.
- Establish boundaries in regards to
privacy, personal needs, parenting roles, and the hours a member keeps. When a
family member leaves, let someone know and approximate time they will be home.
They could also have a cork or chalk board where members could write
notes.
- Set up regular family meetings in order to ensure continual communication. If
concerns arising, arrange for a mini-meeting between the scheduled ones so
problems do not escalate.
- Create private space and time to insure your home is ready for sharing. Some
families look for a home to suit their needs while others look into remodeling
their existing home if it is necessary. Set up schedules especially if people
are working and going to school. Trying to share one or two bathrooms with
several people at the same time presents a challenge.
- Allow all family members individual and sharing time. Then respect their private
time. If your daughter has the afternoon for some respite time, don’t call her
when she is out with a friend because her son won’t to take his afternoon nap.
Learn to handle the situation.
- Take advantage of having your families
living together. Think back to the time when families ate together on a regular
basis. Perhaps that is not practical because of work schedules but families can
figure out one day every week or two to gather for a meal together. If meals
don’t work, pick a pizza or sandwich night.
- Do not make assumptions Do not say to
your father, “I thought you were going to ……” Or say to your son, “I thought
for sure you would …….”
- Have the written agreement reviewed every three to six months depending on the needs
and changes of your family.
- Family member with pets – Any members with
pets takes responsibility for their care. If someone wants a pet, it must be
agreed upon with the family. However, if the member of the sandwich generation
already has pets they are exempt because they own their home. It is for people
moving into the member’s home.
In order to encourage a healthy structure, you need a plan.
Think of your home as a mini-company where you have weekly meetings. Set up a
place each person can write down agenda items important to him or her. Then on
your designated meeting date, discuss those topics. You may even decide to
elect a president, vice-president, secretary, and treasurer. However prior to
setting up regular meetings, establish responsibilities for each person.
However, you are working within the framework of a family, so also remember
flexibility is also extremely important. People must be responsible but we also
need to be understanding to their concerns and work with them.
Guidelines for weekly
meetings –
·
Make sure you can hear each other. Reduce or
turn-off background noise such as televisions or stereos.
- If someone has a hearing loss, speak clearly and directly to him.
You could also have someone sit next to him and take notes.
- Only allow emergency telephone calls and refrain from texting.
- Set time limits for each person – perhaps you can use a timer until
everyone becomes accustomed to working within a structured meeting. If
that does not happen, make the timer a part of your meeting.
- Let each person complete his comments before the next person
speaks. Be respectful of the person talking. If you do not agree with the
person speaking, call a time-out but do not allow walking out.
- Stay focused on your topics. Do not digress to other topics.
- Respect each other’s opinion even when they do not agree with your
own.
- If your loved one has difficulty because of his medical condition,
the family should be patient. If he has early stages of dementia, he
should be part of the group because it keeps him involved and his mind
active.
- Share expectations with children who return home, children already
living at home, and your parents. Everyone in the family should
communicate their views.
- Have a rotating assignment sheet with tasks for the family to
accomplish each day/week and keep it in a visible place such as on the
refrigerator door.
- Discuss money issues that involve everyone.
If it is necessary to miss a week, be ready for the next.
Make this a consistent, ongoing part of your family’s life. Arrange the
meetings around the time when everyone is home. However, if someone called into
work, take special time to discuss the meeting with that family member and
share the notes with that person. It will be impossible for every person to
make it every week. Discuss the most effective method that will work for your
family when someone must miss a meeting. Have a note taker recording the
minutes and then include them along with the agenda at the next meeting. If
your loved one has difficulty with his vision, use larger font when his copy is
printed.
With the increase of young adults 18-31, the millennial
generation, moving back home or never leaving their parent’s home, this trend
is more likely to increase. Most elderly cannot afford the cost for nursing and
assisted living facilities. And some are no longer able to live on their own. Also with the cost of medical expenses, often
times their social security and medicare does not cover costs and their
children pay the bills. Many young
adults are in debt from the cost of student loans; they cannot afford to live
on their own.
Challenges
When your 30 year old college graduate son moves back
because he was laid-off from his engineering position and his new job pays
substantially less and your parents moved in six months ago because your father,
with his arthritis, was getting too weak to handle all the maintenance at their
home. You still have a 25 year old daughter at home with her five year old son.
You think about all the wonderful times you and your husband have with your
family living with you. But then there are plenty of challenges to consider. It
may take months to adjust to multigenerational living. Some members may not
adjust very easily to living in a multigenerational home. That is why
communication and the weekly meeting are so important. Emphasize to the family
the importance why each person moved back to the family home. As long as
members respect boundaries and cooperatively help each other, the
multigenerational households will be successful.
Rewards
Families have discovered the rewards of living together.
Sharon Niederhaus and John Graham point out parents of young children may
receive help with child care from grandparents. Grandchildren obtain the gift
of time, love, and attention from their grandparents. Grandparents benefit
because they receive emotional gratification through frequent interaction with
their grandchildren and from the responsibilities of assisting them. Studies
have shown positive outcomes for older adults who interrelate with children
including less depression, taking better care of themselves physically, and
reporting a sense of purpose. In addition, children are less likely to be
apprehensive around older adults or stereotype them.
Taking Care of the
Sandwich Generation Member
- As a member of the
Sandwich Generation, you may not be taking care of yourself. You may feel like
you do not have enough time in your schedule for household needs, in addition
to caring for the generation above and below you.
- Put yourself first. If you don’t take care of yourself,
you won’t be able to care for anyone else. Schedule time for exercise, social
time with friends, eat balance healthy meals. Get enough sleep and drink plenty
of water. Making yourself a priority, will give you the strength needed to
handle all your responsibilities.
- Seek help from
others. Communicate with siblings and other family to let them know what is
going on. Make a list of the things you would like help with and be specific.
- You may need to
take time off from work to take your parent to a medical appointment. Your
husband can’t pick up your father from Adult Day Care next week. Talk to your
employer about your situation. Let him know about your caregiving
responsibilities. An employer cannot help unless they know what is going on.
With 43 million caregivers in the U. S., you probably are not the only person
in the company caring for a loved one.
Laura Paltyl sees her children kindhearted toward their
grandparents and other older people. Also, her parents have been able to share
in their grandchildren’s happiness, sorrows and life activities. She feels she
will see the benefits throughout the kid’s lifetimes. Families in
multigenerational homes have built-in, sounder, mutually favorable
intergenerational relationships. Grandparents and older family members can be
central in a young person’s life rather than someone they see occasionally for
afternoon visits and holidays.
Resources
Generations United – Multigenerational Households
